Republicans develop 2024 TV lineup in bid to lure voters back to GOP

The GOP announced it has entered into multiple TV broadcast and streaming deals designed to promote the America First agenda. “This is the beginning of the new, much more media savvy GOP,” said a media savvy Republican. Below is a partial list of shows under development.

PONDEROSA

The reboot of the beloved western family saga, now called GOLD BUTTE, is a western saga set against the magnificent beauty of the Bureau of Land Management scrub brush holdings in the Nevada desert.

Gold Butte revolves around the warm, loving bond of the tight-knit Gundy Clan, as they fight against the Federal government’s illegal attempts to remove Gundy cattle from an area the Feds say is owned by BLM, but which the Gundys claim are their ancestral lands, identified by an ancient map that shows the Gundys first came to Gold Butte in 1129 A.D.

In Season 1, the Gundy Father & Sons wage a heroic battle to protect their cattle that only ends after the head of the BLM in Nevada dies after his “German-made SUV” is swallowed by the Devils Throat Sink Hole, which pere Gundy describes as “God’s retribution on the wicked.”

Talks are underway to use the original Ponderosa theme music for the new show.

THE NEW DATING GAME

Evangelical Christian girls compete to win dates with irredeemable “bad boys and non-believers” to see which girls can “save the boys’ immortal souls from damnation” before The Rapture.

LEAVE IT TO BEAVER

A clever reboot of the beloved late 50’s — early 60s TV sitcom will now be called THE RETURN OF BEAVER. Brings back most of the show’s favorite characters — Ward and June Cleaver; Beaver Cleaver; even Eddie Haskell, whose character has been made older to appeal to the GOP’s most important audience, 65+ White adults with multiple physical infirmities. “Eddie will have some sort of medical condition that creates a prominent product placement opportunity for us— Latuda (bi-polar depression) and Xeljanz (rheumatoid arthritis) are strong contenders, though Viagra and Cialis are also in the running,” a GOP spokeswoman said.

She revealed that the role of Eddie Haskell will be played by Christopher Walken.

“The original show’s unspoken sexual tension between Eddie and Mrs. Cleaver will be explored much more franky this time,” the spokeswoman said. Reportedly, Eddie will become a viable suitor for June Cleaver’s affections after she complains to her husband, Ward, that he is being way too hard on the Beaver and Ward starts to express unsavory “liberal ideas” in retaliation.

Beaver’s older brother in the first show, Wally Cleaver, has been changed to a female character, Alexandra. Her overbearing personality and attempts to boss her brother around by “making decisions” will parallel the 21st century cultural wars between older, more experienced White men and “uppity girls who are always trying to be the boss of their very own Beaver.” The spokeswoman denied that the character’s name was a shot across the bow at Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

“They’re not even spelled the same,” she noted.

Will Eddie and June Cleaver hook up? Will the Beav’ put his sister in her place and return The Beaver to the rightful place in the family pecking order?

Stay tuned!

THE MAN IN THE LOW ESTUARY

A compelling, edgy show about a fictional climate denier living in an old, stodgy Palm Beach estate turned into a social club. When rising seas threaten his resort, the climate denier — who also happens to be a former President — goes to war with everyone to save his beloved Club Mango Tango.

He creates a new “Not a Neo-Nazi Party!” and his Stormtroopers, dressed in pink polo shirts, white slacks [after Labor Day to “snub the Elites!”] and red golf hats, begin rounding up illegal immigrants with a promise of citizenship to help build a high sea wall around the club.

When Border Patrol agents storm the compound, the man dubbed The Pacing Cheeto by military intelligence arms his laborers with heavy weaponry smuggled in by a renegade faction of the military’s new Space Force. They battle their way out of Club Mango Tango as his followers, culled mainly from Palm Beach high society, rally around him. They heroically conquer Washington D.C. after a pitched battle using paintballs filled with caviar as ammo, then establish a government “for the people — the real people — of America. White Anglo-Saxon Protestant real estate developers.”

When their leader descends into dementia before he can assume power, he’s succeeded by his wife, who changes her name to Melita, “like the coffee maker, but without the second ‘t’ because it is silent, like me, yes?”

She takes to singing “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” at rallies of the faithful, and an enormous statue of Melita is erected in Washington, so big “you can see it from space.”

HAPPY HANDMAIDS

In a future America, women volunteer to become “Handmaids” for the ruling class, “because bearing children is the greatest patriotic duty women can perform to rebuild our country’s White Anglo Saxon heritage.”

When a group of subversive lesbians and other L.G.B.T.Q.I.A.++ radicals try to bring down the system that created the Happy Handmaids, the Handmaids rise up to defend the country and “our right to be vessels of our men’s respect and protection, as they shoot their white-hot milkiness of love into our tin buckets of hopes and dreams and desires. But, like, a really clean bucket.”

A spinoff series blending the show’s “intense D/s erotic tension” with the warmer tone of The Return of Beaver is planned.

TOMORROW: Reviews of more shows under development, including a remake of Pettitcoat Junction, the FOX News rebranding as OAN, and a new Miami Vice, starring Matt Goetz as a hi-flying undercover detective who uses his position as a Member of Congress as cover to bring down banal Florida sex traffickers.

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Bret O'Connor Plate

Bret O'Connor Plate

Inventor of Dark Matter. From time to time I may, when I can pull myself away from running the invisible Universe, write something.